I want to share something I learned the hard way - and I've seen many other dads experience the same thing. When the baby arrives, it's easy, almost natural, to quietly disappear. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. You may be present, but you might also feel distant.
And nobody warns you about this part.
As dads, we’re often given a script that goes like this:
1. Support your partner during the pregnancy.
2. Stand awkwardly beside the birth pool.
3. Provide practical help after the baby arrives.
It sounds straightforward, right? But real life is messier. Your partner might suddenly be overwhelmed by hormones, exhaustion, or even postnatal depression. Meanwhile, you might feel tired, clueless, and watch her bond instantly with the baby while you wonder if your only role is to change diapers.
The temptation? To step back. Stay useful, stay practical, and stay out of the way.
The result? She feels alone, and you feel useless. The gap between you starts to grow - quietly but steadily.
Here’s the secret: don’t disappear. The most important thing you can do is to stay present, even when you don’t have a clue what you’re doing.
If you haven't heard of it check out Simon Sinek’s concept of the “8-Minute Catch-Up”. And importantly, don't stop dating and checking in with each other just because the baby is here and you feel that "the baby should take priority". In fact, this is when you need it most. It may not be practical to ask for 8 minutes every day, but make some dedicated time each week to check in and have a codeword based system to register when you need some extra support. Simply asking, “How are you, really?” might be the most helpful thing you say all week. Not “How's the baby?” - ask about your partner.
In these moments, you don’t need to fix anything. In fact, fight that instinct - HARD. You don’t need to give a TED Talk on baby sleep cycles. You just need to show up. Be seen, be present, and just sit in it together. That’s what keeps you on the team and not sitting on the bench.
And yes, you’re going to feel useless sometimes. Every dad does. Every parent does. But that’s not failure; it’s just part of the experience. When you choose to stay emotionally connected, even when you’re exhausted, you’re doing more than you realise.
This isn’t about pretending you have everything figured out. It’s about having the courage to be present anyway. The dads who struggle the most are not the ones who get it wrong; they’re the ones who quietly step back and never fully step back in.
So here’s your mission:
Your partner needs you. Your baby needs you. And believe it or not, you have what it takes to be there for each other - and there is no better example for your child than this.